Ed: I did it I made my goal! A whole month without booze!
Mike: Whoo! I gotta be honest, I didn’t think you‘d make it but I’m proud of you, you’re an inspiration!
Kevin: A toast to Ed! 31 days!
M: Whoa, Kevin, we can’t have a toast. The guy just stopped drinking.
K: For a month. He’s done now. And besides–
E: Yeah. I’ve proven I can do it. So gimme that glass n down the hatch!
K: Hey hey hey there, you can’t just drink it! You have to be prepared.
E: Huh? Why?
K: Why celebrate by doing what you’ve just spent a month not doing? Time for something new. This here glass holds a new experience.
E: H-how new?
K: Very. Mind blowing
E: Really mind blowing? Cause that word gets tossed around a lot these days. “Oh man, you gotta see this movie, listen to this song, sleep with this chick, it’s mind blowing.” Often, I am disappointed.
K: …Mind… Blowing.
E: Huh. Um. I don’t know if I can handle Mind… Blowing.
M: I brought some peyote! You wanna do that instead?
E: Yeah. That sounds good! I’ve never done that before
K: No, you don’t want that. I know what you want and you want this.
E: What is it.
K: Finally you ask! This will change everything. It only lasts about an hour, but that should be long enough. In this glass is a potion. It will turn you into a woman!
E: Aaugh! Why do I want that!
M: Dude. You can play with youself! Dude!
K: Not quite what I had in mind, but yeah.
E: What did you have in mind? Finding my feminine side? Empathizing with chicks? Finally understanding them?
K: Those are all noble, but I was thinking…you know we’re all really good friends, right?
K: Like, really good friends. We’d do anything for each other. Like Mike almost gave me a kidney.
M: You bastard. I got tested and everything. I even took a week off of work, checked into the hospital, prepped for surgery…
E: That joke got hilariously out of hand! Kevin didn’t need it at all! He was just testing you and you fell for it! I love that story! Mike and Kevin sittin’ in a tree, K-I-S—
K: Speaking of kissing… wouldn’t it be fun for you to know what it feels like from the other side?
E: I think kissing feels the about the same on both sides.
K: Not kissing, you asshole. Fucking. [pause] don’t you want to know what it feels like for the girl?
E: Are you saying you want to fuck me?!
M: I think you’d make a hot chick.
E: You too Mike?
K: I’m okay with a three way.
E: Guys! I’m not fucking you! Not as a woman. Not ever!
K: What about the potion, though? You could still be a girl for an hour. You could still play with yourself.
E: You’re gonna watch, aren’t you?
M: Ooh! Can we? That’d be hot!
E: I DO need to celebrate a month of sobriety…but what if I don’t have big boobs?
M: I’ve seen your sister, Ed. You’ll have big boobs.
E: Ew, you’ve been checking out my sister? You’re not wrong, though. Okay. Here goes…uh, do I need ice in this or something?
K: If you want, but not really. C’mon, drink it!
E: Right. Okay. [gulp]
K: Give it a chance
E: I feel it working! I feel, I feel…Justin Timberlake is really talented! I need more than one pair of black shoes and I understand why! I like tea!
M: Whoa! It works fast! Look at his boobs growing
K: No, they’ve always been that size—oh! There they go!
E: We need curtains in here! And let’s coordinate the colors this time!
M: Ed’s hair is so lustrous! And long!
K: Bye bye five o’clock shadow!
E: All men are scumbags! Oh, how well I know that to be true! Auggh! I hate myself as a man! I never want to be a man again! I am now Emily! And I hate men! I am A LESBIAN!
M and K: AAaaugh!
M: [pause] Can we watch?