5 Ways to Deal with Your State Burning

5 Ways to Deal with Your Home State Burning

1) Accept it:

There’s nothing you can do. You’re not a firefighter. Let it all burn. Fire is God’s ultimate cleansing tool. Why He chose a flood to purge Noah’s world instead of fire is the Bible’s only great mystery. Just pack a bag, go to your cousin’s house the next state over, and watch the flames on tv.

2) Work on your photography skills:

Sure, everyone in the area is taking their own pictures of the smoke plume, but none will be with YOUR unique perspective from the square foot you are standing on. Zoom in on the light-play of the setting sun through the ashfall.  Focus your phone’s camera on the reflection of the flames on the night clouds and smoke.  Instagram it.

3) Have a fire party:

Invite your fellow newly homeless friends and neighbors.  Set up a playlist (using stereo equipment borrowed from a smug friend who lives in the middle of concrete and asphalt) of fire-related songs: “Burning Down the House” by Talking Heads and “We Didn’t Start the Fire” by Billy Joel for example. Supply lots of hot dogs and marshmallows and long sticks. May as well make a delicious snack out of the unstoppable flames! Alternately: if you fled with pictures of your ex, now’s the time to toss them into the encroaching fire.

4) Find out who your real friends are:

If they don’t offer up their home to your 3 kids all under 6 yrs of age and your 7 cats, they aren’t your friends. If they don’t offer to drive you to your electrolysis appointments and take you to see Magic Mike, they aren’t your friends. Actually, you may find mere acquaintances bending over backwards to show everyone what good people they are! Take advantage of this. Suckers.

5) Start over:

Face it- your life sucked anyway. Hide away and get yourself declared missing/presumed dead. Assume a new identity and become a much cooler, smarter, more successful person. This is the role of a lifetime (well, after your original, anyway) so put your all into it 24/7 and fake it till you make it! Sure, you’ll still be you, but try not to think about that.

 

 

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About franny666

I'm a virtual spelunker into the darkest caverns of Hell and Imagination. Also, I like donuts
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