Man I gotta pee. I should get up and take care of that. But I really should harvest this DNA first. ..shoot, did I do this one already? I can’t concentrate, but I need to get this done. I’ll just go…Oh yeah, I took my Crocs off. I can hold it. Let me reformat this spreadsheet…that’s better. Is that better? Maybe it should have stayed 4 columns. Why did I have all that coffee? That’s ridiculous, I’ll have to pee sometime anyway, whether or not I drink coffee. I just maybe wouldn’t have to go right now. Now I’m thirsty. I can get up, go pee, AND get water while I’m up! Perfect plan. Except I really need to get SOME work done.
Here comes Karen. Why can’t she just email me? She takes forever to say what could be said in two sentences. She is funny, though. Aw, she brought me a mouse! She’s so sweet. Yes, I heard about the hybrid results due next week. Yes, I’m ready. No, I didn’t know James asked Jamie out! How cute! No! Don’t talk about how you went to the Falls last week! I know it’s misty and loud and SO MUCH RUNNING WATER! I can excuse myself- Karen will understand. Oh no, here’s Scot to talk to us. I really need to talk to him, too, about the singing gerbil he sent me. Of course, he and Karen need to do their catching up first. I can get him later.
Shoes on, excuse myself, and…Finally! I can feel my bladder unclenching in anticipation. Not yet, bladder, not yet! We’re getting there. What’s that growling? I’m not near the kennels. I think Kenny has a hissing whistle from one of his animals as his ring-tone, but not a growl. Where is it? It doesn’t sound friendly at all…oh look! It’s a mini sasquatch! So cute! C’mere little guy. How’d he get out—ow! You’re a mean, impotent little one! Where’s Kenny? This is probably one of his. Don’t run away, little dude—
Is the floor shaking? Why is the floor shaking? Screaming? What’s going o—Oh, oh god no! Don’tpeedon’tpeedon’tpee! Runrunrun! The ladies’ room! Hide there! Open, you goddamn door! Fuck! PULL! Shut it shut it, damn hydraulic, shut…IT’S GOT MY ANKLE IT’S SCRATCHING- NO-TICKLING ME! With tiny, hairy fingers? It’s Midget ‘Squatch! Get in here, you! Shut the door, barricade it- but the door opens OUT! Mop! Mop or broom through the handle to …what? I can’t think, I gotta pee! Put the trash can here, just for now, I’ll hear if it gets in- shut UP Midget ‘Squatch! Stop SHRIEKING! Let me PEE!
Why oh why do they make us wear jumpsuits? Why can’t I be a guy so I can unzip the crotch and whip it out- not YET bladder! Ignore all the screaming, ignore the alarms. When did the alarms start? Panties down and…aaaahhh. I could be here awhile… Go away ‘Squatch, I can’t relax my nethers with you here. The crashing and pounding outside isn’t helping either. Close my eyes, focus, think release…Oh, you’re whimpering now? Fine. Up. It’s weird, but I can pee with you on my lap… No, I can’t. What’s that noise? The trash can’s moving! Legs up! Damn my short legs, but I can just brace them against the walls. I feel vulnerable like this, but—sh, shhh, ‘Squatch. I can just see…what, WHO! Oh thank god it’s a who! A man who, not ideal, but I am NOT in condition to receive guests. Pull yourself together, woman! Aw, ‘Squatch, it’s okay, I just have to get dressed. Bladder will just have to wait. He’s gonna freak when I make a noise, dress quick! He did freak! Really? He jumps on the sink? Oh hey, it’s Scot!
It’s just me, you’re very brave. Yes, I saw the beast, yes, I’m aware I have a miniature sasquatch clinging to my leg, no, I don’t know what’s going on, yes, I have an idea, and, even though you didn’t ask, I STILL HAVE TO PEE! You DON’T think now’s a good time? I don’t care, I don’t intend to soil myself, I don’t have an extra jumpsuit! So excuse me…
What was that hiss? Something hissed! Or psst-ed? Scot heard it, too. Look at the coward, running to the corner. To a hole in the wall? The hissing is coming from there! Why is there a hole in the wall? Thank god, Tamika! Is that a vent? It’s a secret passage? Are you kidding me? OK, go, Scot! You too ‘Squatch? But I still gotta…Aah! The trash can moved! Did it move? I don’t wanna be left here alone! Alright alright, I’ll go! Hey, pretty comfy in here for a crawl space. Was I crazy for leaving? We were safe in the ladies room, weren’t we?
Where is Tamika taking us? To the observation booth, of course! It’s behind bullet-proof (and abnormal strength-proof) glass in the testing room! So …we’re in a what now? An extension of a testing maze for the rataroos- cool. But why to the ladies’ room? Oh, to sneak away, yeah, Bentley can be a pretty controlling boss. Yeah, I think I know what that monster is. It’s Cody’s and Ellie’s illicit side project. Figures they’d let it get out of hand.
So just trudge trudge on hand and knee, trying not to think of pee, or look at Scot’s ass in front of me. Or ‘Squatch’s either, for that matter…oh, would you look at that? ‘Squatch is a girl! My knees are beginning to hurt…that’s what she said! Oh man I’m punchy. Are we there yet? I see light!
Alright, we made it to the testing room…with the observation booth all the way on the other side. It looks kinda full already. Just like my bladder, harhar! Okay, this is a big room. Let’s go guys, they got the door open for us –gogogo! In pops Tamika, in goes Scot…Oh crap, the floor’s shaking again. Nonono don’t close the do—Fuckers! Just you and me ‘Squatch! Get behind me! Let’s see what I’m up against…Shit. Man, that’s one huge, ugly critter! The legs bend in TWO directions? And what’s up with those ears? Are those LEAVES? Cody? Ellie? You in there? They better be in that observation booth. Lemme know exactly what I’m up against.
It spit at me! That’s disgusting! Good thing it’s cross-eyed and missed me! That’s right, ‘Squatch, yell at the rejected del Toro abomination! That space under that steel table looks mighty inviting right about now. Follow me, ‘Squatch! With any luck there’ll be a potty under there—Ha ha. Augh! How does the creature know my name? Whew, that was just Cody on the intercom.
Cody you goddamn, power-hungry, mothe—I don’t care that you and Ellie were trying to create the ultimate dairy/fruit smoothie! Humans weren’t meant to- Nooo! It’s got ‘Squatch! Put her down! How do I stop it, Cody? What do you mean you don’t know? Alright, you vile monstrosity, you’ve done it now! Attaaaaaack! I got your…ear, or whatever! Mmm, that’s kinda tasty! Let go, let go of ‘Squatch! Take that! How do you like that, huh? Geez, it’s high up here! Stop gnawing on ‘Squatch! Stop… tearing… up … the lab! Stop…being…mean! Uh oh. Don’t don’tdon’t. Stop bumping me so much! I’m gonna… I can’t stop it! Bottle-uncorked! Tide-going out! A hot mountain stream! Grip-released! Aahhh. Gushing. Draining. I feel so light, so free! Can’t stop if I wanted to. Maybe nobody will notice? Whoa, hey, what’s it doing? The creature’s going down! It’s wilting! My pee! It’s killing it! HaHA! I win! Run ‘Squatch! Run to safety! Woohoo! In your face, crazy monster!
We did it, ‘Squatch! C’mere, cutie! The smoothie monster is dead! Even the biggest, yummiest smoothie will always be killed when combined with pee! Wheee! Guys, you can come on out now, you shivering cowards. Wait till I get my hands on Cody and Ellie…aw, I’m too pumped to stay mad! Must be the post-pee high.
Yeah, everyone, high-five! I did it! Put me on your shoulders! No? Ah. Right. I’m, uh, damp, in the most unpleasant way. Oh! Hey there Scot! Not put off by a little pee, huh? Sure, you can help me out of my jumpsuit! Wait, you hid in the ladies room because why? But you’ve never watched me before, right? …Let’s go for coffee and I might give you a show later!